Sex & Violence by Carrie Mesrobian

Sex &Violence by Carrie Mesrobian

Evan Carter is a teen who has learned to move, he has moved more times than should be counted as normal, since his mother died.  He has also learned how to make the moves on girls, not caring about the ramifications of his actions.   As the perpetual "new guy" he has learned to identify the girls who will probably say "yes" to sex.

He meets Collette at his newest school and he knows she used to date his roommate but he doesn't care.  He is hot for her, and has big plans involving a condom.  Evan's risky behavior eventually catches up to him and he is physically assaulted and beaten to a bloody pulp.
His father decides to bring Evan to the family cabin, located on a Minnesota lake in a small town, to heal.   Evan begins to see his past and his present converge and he wonders if life will ever be normal again.

Carrie Mesrobian has written a novel about teen hook-up culture and the consequences of it.  Ultimately Sex & Violence is about teen violence and its connection to sex but it is about so much more than that.  It covers a range of teen issues from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder to the virginity pact.  Since I teach at the high school level, I see a lot of teen fights over boyfriend/girlfriend issues and the drama goes on and on.  Mesrobian has captured this part of teen drama and culture expertly.

Sex & Violence is an excellent novel for the mature teen.  It is gripping, honest, raw and a bit shocking.  Evan is a swearing, beer drinking, weed smoking, girl using, character you hate to love, he is multi-faceted and trying to become a better person.  Mesrobian has captured the male teenage voice perfectly.  Sex & Violence is a great first novel and Mesrobian is a writer I want to read more of.  Love it or hate it, Sex & Violence is a part of the culture teens grow up in the U.S. and Mesrobian doesn't shy away from the tough nature of the subject matter.

Sex & Violence won the 2014 Minnesota Book Award.

Carrie Mesrobian Guest Post + Giveaway

Carrie Mesrobian Guest Post + Giveaway

Carrie is the May Author in the Spotlight here on BookSnob and she has written a guest post on YA male narrated books.
Carrie's books ,Sex & Violence as well as her soon to be released YA novel, Perfectly Good White Boy feature teen male narrators.  One of the books she is writing about today will be featured on BookSnob next month.  Hint:  It is the last one.  Shhhh.


Four Excellent YA Boy-Narrator Books

People make a lot of the fact that boys supposedly don’t read or that YA books aren’t marketed to boys or that something awful is happening in our culture which makes boys do something else besides pursue imaginative literacy. But I have a hard time caring about any of this, because I think the claims are sketchy and specious at best.
Instead, I’ll point out four very good YA books that feature boy-narrators and that I highly recommend.

1) Ordinary Ghosts by Eireann Corrigan

Emil Simon is funny and sad and lonely and he’s never kissed a girl.
He’s funny because all people who’ve experience death and loss are kind of funny and dry. His mother has died and his brother’s left the family and he’s trying to get through being alone with his father in an empty house. So of course, author Eireann Corrigan does something that every fantasy writer does; she gives him a magical gift on his journey through sadness: a skeleton key that opens all the doors at his private school. That’s where he meets a girl named Jade, who’s sad, too, but for different reasons.

2) Vision Quest by Terry Davis

Read this book, see the movie. Both are very enjoyable. Louden Swain is a kid with a goal – to drop a weight class in order to wrestle a formidable opponent. It sounds simple, but what’s going on in Louden’s head is very complex…and very familiar to anyone who’s ever been a teenager. The movie ends differently than the book and while I like the movie’s ending well enough, I prefer the book’s ending. Adolescence isn’t about arrival to adulthood. It’s about getting there and Davis’ ending reflects that so well.

3) Stick by Andrew Smith

Andrew Smith is such a lyrical writer. I know he’d probably rather punch me than hear that, but his words are so musical and hypnotic. Stick is about a boy living with cruelty and disability, with only his older brother as an ally. It’s a book that stays with you long after you finish and the experience of seeing the words on the page, rolling about like the words that ‘stick’ in the main character’s mind – Stark McClellan only has one ear and so sound functions differently for him – is unbelievably beautiful.

4) Guy In Real Life by Steve Brezenoff

Steve Brezenoff is a writer fascinated by gender and his latest book
continues to explore that theme. Written in dual perspectives - a boy named Lesh, a girl named Svetlana – the story is about identity in the world of gaming, whether that be table-top D&D, World of Warcraft and LARPing – Live Action Role Playing. This story reminds us that we’re all playing a role in adolescence; we’re all scrabbling after some kind of easy markers of identity when we’re young and old. It’s also a very funny book and you don’t need to like gaming to enjoy it, either.

Thanks Carrie for this awesome guest post and introducing me to some awesome new books and authors.

If you would like to win a copy of Carrie's book, Sex & Violence please click here:  Sex & Violence Giveaway

The Heart of All That Is: Reflections on Home

The Heart of All That Is:  Reflections on Home
Edited by Jim Perlman, Deborah Cooper, Mara Hart, Pamela Mittlefehldt

Home is where your heart is.  Home is the underlying theme of literature and at the heart of all our lives.  In this lovely edition several authors and poets contributed their poems and prose surrounding the theme of home.  The book is broken into six parts, based on themes the submitted work had in common.

I loved this book.  Everyday, I read one poem or work of prose.  I met a new authors (their bios are in the back of the book) or I was reminded of why I enjoy the writing of others.  This was one book I looked forwarded to reading everyday.  I found poems to share with my class.  I found poems that made me laugh, cry, think and ponder.  There are so many good things waiting for you in the pages of this book.

I want to share so many of these poems with you.  They are so good.  I am only going to share one and then you need to read the book for yourself, it will touch your heart.  I think this poem is my favorite but I have many favorites, so it is my favorite today.  Let me know what you think.  I love it.

House of Dreams and Stars and Life
by Charlene Langfur

Today the house is like a lotus, singular, afloat, an artist's piece.

Later, deeper in the night, when I'm asleep, it's on the edge of unsettling land.
Part of it is a boat with float to it, a movable vessel,
a safety net in the middle of what I try to imagine
is coming near.  I hear the house in the night. Its voice. How it sounds in the
dark
is different than in the day.
How it holds us in place in an expanding universe,
a touchstone, lone, readied, the spirit's guide.

This willowy fragile house that holds me in it,
house of dreams and stars and life, an ark of wishes,
a shelter to hold ideas in place and warm the body all at once,
decorated with lucky charms, iconic family pictures
a history of mysterious dreams
and lights in the window seen from far away.
How far? Gravity's angel. Earth. The dog hums. Tides magnetize.
Stories and shelters. A roof to keep it.
And this one, my own is dry, clear, plain.
An embrace of space. House.
A universe patched to another.
From the roof of the house in the night, I see each star, markers
holding me in place
like Chinese lanterns in the summer, like charms in the pocket,
totems, tiny lights against an endless dark.

Earth's mantle, yes, Earth's shelter. It is always more.
Doors and windows. The planet's graces. We know
so much and even so still get lost, the love inside the house
disappeared, nearly gone while out for the afternoon.
In what room did it get lost? Turn sideways.
Clouds ascending. Water in the air. But the house is safe.
As I write this, it is. Worlds moving in orbit
and us aboard the vessel's back.

The simple of it keeps us balanced. Earth moves. The head tilts.
The tides rise. The dog's low deep sound, almost an alarm.
I listen, calm as a child, to the low orderly
music of the spheres. The house, not lost in space this day,
no flying off, no house with wings. It is not gone with a magician's snap
of his fingers. Thunder. Moon rise. Surprise bells on the porch in the night.
Stories on the land in the front yard, stories in the pocket.
House of earth dreams. Shelter in the night. Tonight the house is safe.

Free Audio Books from SYNC

Free Audio Books from Sync.

Sync YA literature into your earphones.

Hey Everyone,

It is time for Free Audio books from  http://www.audiobooksync.com/

Every week Audio Book Sync gives away two free audio books during the summer.  One Young Adult book paired with One Classic book.
See the schedule listed below and don't miss out.
I love this!  This is my second year participating.  Last year I picked up some great audio and have been listening all school year,  and it has been awesome.

The first two books are available for download now.
Here is the schedule:


SUMMER 2014 SYNC TITLE LINEUP

May 15 – May 21
WARP: THE RELUCTANT ASSASSIN by Eoin Colfer, Narrated by Maxwell Caulfield (Listening Library)
THE TIME MACHINE by H.G. Wells, Narrated by Derek Jacobi (Listening Library)

May 22 – May 28
CRUEL BEAUTY by Rosamund Hodge, Narrated by Elizabeth Knowelden (Harper Audio)
OEDIPUS THE KING by Sophocles, Performed by Michael Sheen and a full cast (Naxos AudioBooks)

May 29 – June 4
CONFESSIONS OF A MURDER SUSPECT by James Patterson and Maxine Paetro, Narrated by Emma Galvin (Hachette Audio)
THE MURDER AT THE VICARAGE by Agatha Christie, Narrated by Richard E. Grant (Harper Audio)

June 5 – June 11
ALL OUR YESTERDAYS by Cristin Terrill, Narrated by Meredith Mitchell (Tantor Audio)
JULIUS CAESAR by William Shakespeare, Performed by Richard Dreyfuss, JoBeth Williams, Stacy Keach, Kelsey Grammer, and a full cast (L.A. Theatre Works)

June 12 – June 18
CODE NAME VERITY by Elizabeth Wein, Narrated by Morven Christie and Lucy Gaskell (Bolinda Audio)
THE HIDING PLACE by Corrie Ten Boom, John Sherrill, Elizabeth Sherrill, Narrated by Bernadette Dunne (christianaudio)

June 19 – June 25
I’D TELL YOU I LOVE YOU, BUT THEN I’D HAVE TO KILL YOU by Ally Carter, Narrated by Renée Raudman (Brilliance Audio)
ANNE OF GREEN GABLES by L.M. Montgomery, Narrated by Colleen Winton (Post Hypnotic Press)

June 26 – July 2
FORGIVE ME, LEONARD PEACOCK by Matthew Quick, Narrated by Noah Galvin (Hachette Audio)
OCTOBER MOURNING: A Song for Matthew Shepard by Lesléa Newman, Narrated by Emily Beresford, Luke Daniels, Tom Parks, Nick Podehl, Kate Rudd, Christina Traister (Brilliance Audio)

July 3 – July 9
TORN FROM TROY by Patrick Bowman, Narrated by Gerard Doyle (Post Hypnotic Press)
PETER AND THE STARCATCHERS by Dave Barry and Ridley Pearson, Narrated by Jim Dale (Brilliance Audio)

July 10 – July 16
CLAUDETTE COLVIN: Twice Toward Justice by Philip Hoose, Narrated by Channie Waites (Brilliance Audio)
WHILE THE WORLD WATCHED by Carolyn Maull McKinstry with Denise George, Narrated by Felicia Bullock (Oasis Audio)

July 17 – July 23
THE CASE OF THE CRYPTIC CRINOLINE by Nancy Springer, Narrated by Katherine Kellgren (Recorded Books)
THE ADVENTURES OF SHERLOCK HOLMES II by Arthur Conan Doyle, Narrated by David Timson (Naxos AudioBooks)

July 24 – July 30
HEADSTRONG by Patrick Link, Performed by Deidrie Henry, Ernie Hudson, Ntare Guma Mbaho Mwine and Scott Wolf (L.A. Theatre Works)
THE STRANGE CASE OF DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE by Robert Louis Stevenson, Narrated by Scott Brick (Tantor Audio)

July 31 – August 6
DIVIDED WE FALL by Trent Reedy, Narrated by Andrew Eiden (Scholastic Audio)
THE RED BADGE OF COURAGE by Stephen Crane, Narrated by Frank Muller (Recorded Books)

August 7 – August 13
LIVING A LIFE THAT MATTERS by Ben Lesser, Narrated by Jonathan Silverman and Ben Lesser (Remembrance Publishing)
THE SHAWL by Cynthia Ozick, Narrated by Yelena Shmulenson (HighBridge Audio)
Tool kit now available!

ENJOY

Please share, so others can enjoy too.

Twin Cities Teen Lit Con 2014

Twin Cities Teen Lit Con 2014

Yesterday a bunch of amazing authors gathered for the Twin Cities teen lit conference.  The day started with a panel of Q & A with authors, Ally Condie, Maureen Johnson, David Levithan and Derf Beckderf.  Then all bets were off as people lined up for author signings, book sales, literary button making, book arts and a variety of author presentations.  So much to do and so little time.

Many Minnesota authors were in attendance and I am happy to say, that I have read most of their books. The great Minnesota authors that presented are Swathi Avasthi, Carrie Mesrobian, Geoff Herbach, Anne Greenwood Brown, Brian Farrey and Pete Hautman.  You need to read a book by each of these amazing YA authors.  I also ran into Kelly Barnhill and she will be featured on Booksnob in August.  Minnesota has the best writers in the world.

So here is my day in a nutshell:

After I attended the author panel Q & A, I went to see an awesome presentation by Derf Backderf on his graphic novel My Friend Dahmer.  Derf grew up with Jeffrey Dahmer and his book chronicles his high school years and Dahmer's decline into madness.  Two weeks after his graduation Dahmer killed his first victim.

My Friend Dahmer took Derf 20 years to create.  He kept a journal during high school full of sketches and used the FBI files and the interviews done with Dahmer to help create his book.  It is ultimately a book about how we treat people and a book about failure.  There are no murders or killing in the book.

Next I went to see Maureen Johnson speak.  This woman is hilarious and quirky and I think I want to be her new best friend.  She went to theater school and I could tell.  This is the first time I have heard of Maureen Johnson but I have seen her books out in the blogasphere.  So now I'm going to read them. Her Shades of London series sounds amazing as well as does 13 Little Blue Envelopes.  I bought The Madness Underneath and Maureen wrote a secret message at the end of the book and said No Peeking.  I don't know how I will resist.

Next I went to see David Levithan.  I LOVE the way David Levithan writes.  He is one of the most creative writers out there in teen lit today.  In fact he is the type of writer I aspire to be everyday.  He read from the first chapter of his new book which is narrated by the girl in Everyday, Rihannon.  I am going to have to wait a year for it to come out in publication but it was awesome to hear David read from it.

Lastly, I went to see Ally Condie speak about her book trilogy Matched.  It has been optioned by Disney for a film.  She is a mother of four and a former high school English teacher.  She quit her job when her first child was born and now writes full time.  I hate to admit it but I have not read this series yet, so I bought the first book and had her sign it.  She had a great presentation and also showed us a little bit about her new series coming out in the Fall.  We are not supposed to talk about it, but it sounds like a winner.

I want to send out a big thank you to everyone who planned this amazing event.  Thanks Melsa, MN Book Arts, Mackin and Addendum books.  Please do it again next year.

Fat Boy vs the Cheerleaders by Geoff Herbach

Fat Boy vs the Cheerleaders by Geoff Herbach

It's the band geeks against the dancing cheerleaders in the Spunk River war.  They are fighting over control of the school pop machine.  The pop machine proceeds are supposed to fund the band and summer camp but not anymore.  The funds were absconded by the cheerleaders and Gabe is raving mad and plans to do something about it.  He organizes the music lovers of his school in a planned protest over the summer, eventually getting caught stealing from the pop machine.

Gabe put a lot of money into the pop machine buying 2-6 cans of Mountain Dew Code Red everyday.  Over the year he has gained a large amount of weight and everyone is calling him Chunks.  His mom left and moved to Japan, his dad is emotionally unstable and his grandpa has moved in.  Gabe's life is topsy turvy but he has big plans to take charge of it, starting with the pop machine.


Fat Boy vs. the Cheerleaders is told entirely from Gabe's point of view as he gives his deposition to attorney at law, Henry Rodriquez.  There is witty dialog, funny scenes, and unbelievable crazy teen antics.  Gabe is an unlikely, inspiring hero who undergoes a metamorphosis within the pages of Fat Boy vs. the Cheerleaders.

Herbach does an excellent job of tackling serious teen issues in a funny and interesting way.  His characters are unique and beautifully flawed (albiet a little bit crazy) and it is their flaws which you grow to love and keep you turning the pages.  The storyline is fresh and it teaches each and everyone of us that you have the power within yourself to change your own little corner of the world.

Sex & Violence Giveaway

Sex & Violence Giveaway

Carrie Mesrobian is the May Author in the Spotlight here on BookSnob and she is giving away two copies of her award winning young adult novel, Sex & Violence to U. S. followers.  Sex &Violence recently won the Minnesota Book Award.  You are gonna love this book!  Carrie is the new YA author to watch and she is writing up a storm of good books.

Here is the synopsis from Goodreads:


AT FIRST YOU DON'T SEE THE CONNECTION.

Sex has always come without consequences for seventeen-year-old Evan Carter. He has a strategy--knows the profile of The Girl Who Would Say Yes. In each new town, each new school, he can count on plenty of action before he and his father move again. Getting down is never a problem. Until he hooks up with the wrong girl and finds himself in the wrong place at very much the wrong time.

AND THEN YOU CAN'T SEE ANYTHING ELSE.

After an assault that leaves Evan bleeding and broken, his father takes him to the family cabin in rural Pearl Lake, Minnesota, so Evan's body can heal. But what about his mind?

HOW DO YOU GO ON, WHEN YOU CAN'T THINK OF ONE WITHOUT THE OTHER?

Nothing seems natural to Evan anymore. Nothing seems safe. The fear--and the guilt--are inescapable. He can't sort out how he feels about anyone, least of all himself. Evan's really never known another person well, and Pearl Lake is the kind of place where people know everything about each other--where there might be other reasons to talk to a girl. It's annoying as hell. It might also be Evan's best shot to untangle sex and violence.

Contest Rules:
Fill out the form.
U.S. residents only
Ends June 1st at midnight
Good Luck!




a Rafflecopter giveaway

Stupid Fast Trilogy Giveaway Winner!

Stupid Fast Trilogy Giveaway Winner!


Geoff Herbach was the April Author in the Spotlight here on BookSnob and he has graciously decided to giveaway one set of his Stupid Fast trilogy to one BookSnob follower who lives in the U.S./Canada.  That is 3 awesome books in one giveaway people!

1.  Stupid Fast
2.  Nothing Special
3.  I'm With Stupid

And the lucky winner is:

Ann V. from Ohio

Congrats Ann.  I hope you enjoy your new books.

Here is an excerpt from my review of Stupid Fast:
Stupid Fast is a rare look at the awkward phase of adolescence, of going from a regular, shy kind of guy to a super jock.  Felton is a lovable character that has to figure out how to navigate his new body and speed and all the attention he is getting with no support from his family.  Stupid Fast is a mix of funny action with a little bit of crazy thrown in .  If you want to get inside the mind of a teenage boy, Stupid Fast is your gateway ticket.  Herbach does an excellent job of capturing the teen experience in Stupid Fast.

Announcing the May Author in the Spotlight

Announcing the May Author in the Spotlight

Happy May Day Everyone!!  My students are walking in the annual Heart of the Beast May Day Parade on May 4th this year.  They have been hard at work for the past month making masks as part of the parade theme.  Pay attention to my Facebook page as I will post pics on Sunday.

This month's author recently won the Minnesota Book Award for her first book and just released the cover of her second book TODAY!!  We met at a author event, in January when she introduced Laurie Halse Anderson.

I am so happy to feature Young Adult author, Carrie Mesrobian.  Her books are going to knock your socks off.

Here are the synopsis from Goodreads:

Sex & Violence


AT FIRST YOU DON'T SEE THE CONNECTION.

Sex has always come without consequences for seventeen-year-old Evan Carter. He has a strategy--knows the profile of The Girl Who Would Say Yes. In each new town, each new school, he can count on plenty of action before he and his father move again. Getting down is never a problem. Until he hooks up with the wrong girl and finds himself in the wrong place at very much the wrong time.

AND THEN YOU CAN'T SEE ANYTHING ELSE.

After an assault that leaves Evan bleeding and broken, his father takes him to the family cabin in rural Pearl Lake, Minnesota, so Evan's body can heal. But what about his mind?

HOW DO YOU GO ON, WHEN YOU CAN'T THINK OF ONE WITHOUT THE OTHER?

Nothing seems natural to Evan anymore. Nothing seems safe. The fear--and the guilt--are inescapable. He can't sort out how he feels about anyone, least of all himself. Evan's really never known another person well, and Pearl Lake is the kind of place where people know everything about each other--where there might be other reasons to talk to a girl. It's annoying as hell. It might also be Evan's best shot to

untangle sex and violence.

Perfectly Good White Boy (to be released in Oct, 2014)


Sean Norwhalt can read between the lines.

"You never know where we'll end up. There's so much possibility in life, you know?" Hallie said.

He knows she just dumped him. He was a perfectly good summer boyfriend, but now she's off to college, and he's still got another year to go. Her pep talk about futures and "possibilities" isn't exactly comforting. Sean's pretty sure he's seen his future and its "possibilities" and they all look disposable.

Like the crappy rental his family moved into when his dad left.

Like all the unwanted filthy old clothes he stuffs into the rag baler at his thrift store job.

Like everything good he's ever known.

The only hopeful possibilities in Sean's life are the Marine Corps, where no one expected he'd go, and Neecie Albertson, whom he never expected to care about.

"We're something else. Some other thing. I don't know what you'd call it. Maybe there's a word, though. Maybe I'll think of it tomorrow, when it won't matter," Neecie said.


May is going to be an awesome month.  You can expect two book reviews ( I got an early ARC of Perfectly Good White Boy.  Yay), a contest, an author interview and a guest post.  Please visit Carrie at http://carriemesrobian.com/  Be sure to tell her I said Hello!!

Perfectly Good White Boy Cover Reveal

Perfectly Good White Boy Cover Reveal

Carrie Mesrobian is a Young Adult writer from Minnesota and she recently won the MN book award for her first book Sex and Violence.  Today, the ARCs are ready and the cover is revealed for her second book, Perfectly Good White Boy.  I Love This Cover!!

Read on to see some of the first reviews for Perfectly Good White Boy and for an excerpt from the book.  Then add Perfectly Good White Boy to your Goodreads shelf.

Reviews for Perfectly Good White Boy:

Raw and unflinching, this is a skilled portrait of an eighteen-year-old on the edge of making a decision that will shape the whole rest of his life. Carrie Mesrobian is a truly fearless writer, one to envy and watch.

—Nova Ren Suma, author of Imaginary Girls and 17 & Gone

"Carrie Mesrobian writes with a raw, courageous honesty that begs readers to pay attention.  Perfectly Good White Boy is a perfectly great, moving, and memorable story about growing up in an often ridiculous world."

- John Corey Whaley, Printz Award-winning author of Where Things Come Back and Noggin 

Excerpt

The whole thing hadn’t lasted more than fifteen minutes, and now I smelled like fabric softener sheets, which kind of gave me a headache. That and Hallie’s words kept piling up in my head. The few ones she said.

I stopped at the light before the turnoff to my house. I was the only car there. Sitting at the light, my car wasting gas.

“Touch me there,” Hallie said. “Like this.”

The light kept being red. A truck roared past me.

“Not like that,” Hallie said.

I did what she said, but I hadn’t been sure about what I was doing, or even how it was that different from what I ever did before when I touched her down there. She wore a pair of panties that I’d never seen before. They didn’t match her bra, but that was maybe because it was a sports bra.

The light changed and I turned, heading down the freeway toward my house.

“Thanks for coming over.”

My house was dark. Dark as hers had been. My mom’s car was there. I heard Otis bark as I climbed up the steps.

My mom didn’t get up when I came in. Normally, she liked me to come in and say goodnight to her, and usually I did, unless I was too wasted or something. Then I’d just holler from the hallway that I was home. But now, completely sober, I couldn’t stand the idea of seeing my mom. Felt like I had Hallie all over me.

Hallie sitting on the stupid dryer, saying oh god and I don’t know what it was, but I just felt crazy and I wanted to go down on her, something she’d never allowed before. The dryer, of all things, made this the perfect access, too, with my height, but when I ducked my head down, she wasn’t having it.

She pushed off the dryer and then we were on the cold concrete floor and I was a little pissed.

Another goddamn rule.

But I was on top of her now, and she was grabbing me through my jeans and I didn’t care.

“That’s good.”

My head totally spinning with that. What had I been doing? Was she talking about my boner? I didn’t know what was going on. But she’d just handed me a condom and that was that.

Then, when I was about to come, she said, “Don’t stop.” Like she knew it was almost over. That I couldn’t stop. And I didn’t know if it was still good. I couldn’t ask her, either. But I didn’t stop. Then her eyes closed and it seemed like something important was happening, but by then I was coming anyway and it was all so much, so awesome and feeling so good and she was so beautiful and everything felt better than I remembered it so I couldn’t stop myself from saying it, again, words I hadn’t said in weeks:

“God, I love you so much.”

Then I squeezed her so hard, in case she didn’t get it. That I’d said it. But she didn’t say anything. Her eyes were closed. There was a pink sock right by her head, curled into a ball.

I lifted off her a bit. Felt the grit from the concrete on my palms. Hallie’s eyes still closed, like she was pretending to be dead or something. The second I pulled out of her, her breathing start to get back to normal, and then I noticed how cold the room was. And quiet, except for my words echoing in my head:

“God I love you so much.”

Just remembering saying that made me feel sick.

In my room, Otis jumped on my bed. Too tense to sleep, I took off my shirt and did some push-ups. Laid there again until Otis jumped down to lick my face. Waited to hear my mom call for me. She sometimes did that, after all my moving around woke her fully up.

But tonight, nothing. The whole house was still. I could hear the water heater shrieking down the hall from me.

Hallie, putting her clothes back on. Me, tying the condom in a knot over the utility sink, then wrapping it in the dryer sheet she gave me. Hallie, slipping the whole white ball into my hoodie pocket. Like it was a souvenir. A present. Like it was Tupperware I’d brought to a party and she wanted to make sure it went home with me.

Then she handed me my hoodie.

“Thanks for coming over.”

I stared at her. A bit of hair was caught in the neck of her T-shirt. I wanted to pick it out, but I couldn’t move. Because I hated her so much. Loved her so much. Wished I had her naked boob pictures, so I could send them to everyone I knew in the world. But she’d been too smart for that, which made me hate her more. Loved how she smelled, how she felt. Hated the little white ball of cum in my pocket.

“My parents could be back any minute now,” she said. “They don’t even know I’m home yet. You should probably go.”

Dumb as a dog, I walked back through the dark house, following her as she turned on a few lights here and there. Then I slid open the glass door, not even saying good-bye, and stepped into my own footprints in the snow on the deck, half full of more snow now, since it was snowing again, thin streams of flakes as I reversed the trip, cutting through the same backyards, the same little park, the duck ditch covered in snow. Before I got in my car, I chucked the dryer sheet condom into a snowbank. It didn’t even make a sound, and the little dimple where it landed filled up soon enough. Little condom-print, vanished.